Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
