If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
