Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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