I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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