just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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