this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
