I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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