There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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