Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
