I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My balls are so social today.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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