This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
