She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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