just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
