Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
