Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
