she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
