so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
