my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
