your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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