I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
