I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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