I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
