I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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