i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My cat gives me a boner
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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