my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
