i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
