I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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