My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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