I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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