i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
