I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
