Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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