We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
