i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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