Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
