The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
