He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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