Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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