Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
