U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
