So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
