Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
