You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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