and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
