You made me cry and you don't even care
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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