My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
