please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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