I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
