If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Success! We fucked roommates!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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