You're my little dorito
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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