He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
